PLEASE READ THIIS first…
Firstly, I want to point out that I am not a licensed therapist or life coach. This is just my experiences on things that I go through with my husband and I’m choosing to share it, in hopes that other couples can learn from it. Secondly, this is not a post about husband bashing. The circumstances could be the same for either a husband/ wife, spouse, significant other, life partner… For me personally, it’s a husband..
Now, to the article.
Feeling anger when your husband doesn’t help with the house and kids is a common experience that many people share, and it often stems from a mix of emotional and practical reasons. At its core, this frustration can be seen as a reaction to perceived unfairness or imbalance in the distribution of household responsibilities. When one partner feels they are shouldering an unfair amount of the workload, it can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and even isolation. From an emotional perspective, not receiving help from your partner might make you feel undervalued and unsupported. In a partnership, there’s an expectation of mutual support and sharing responsibilities. When this balance is off, it can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and taken for granted. It’s not just about the physical act of doing chores or taking care of the kids; it’s also about what these actions signify – care, respect, and partnership. It’s important to communicate your feelings and needs to your husband in a constructive way. Expressing how the imbalance affects you emotionally and practically can help him understand your perspective. Sometimes, people may not realize the extent of the imbalance or how their actions, or lack thereof, affect their partner. I have been in this boat, many times, with my own husband. I know he loves me, but his inability to understand what help I need around the house and with the kids, drives me nuts! My hope is that this article will give some insight into what your spouse may be thinking. I also offer some tips on how to work together to possibly help the situation. Please know, this article may not be for everyone and that is fine. As I mentioned earlier, these are just my experiences and opinions. (Which we are all entitled too)
1. Open Communication: Begin with an open and honest conversation about the distribution of household chores/ obligations to and for the family. It’s essential to express feelings without placing blame. Use “I” statements to explain how the current situation affects you and the household. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m managing all the housework on my own, and I believe we could find a better balance.” This approach encourages a constructive discussion rather than a confrontation. Productive communication is the key here. Don’t be smug or overbearing. Openly discuss with your wife the household tasks and decide together how to tackle them. This doesn’t mean simply asking, “What can I do to help?” but also proactively noticing what needs to be done and offering specific suggestions, like “I can cook dinner tonight” or “I’ll take care of the laundry this week.” This approach shows initiative and a genuine desire to contribute. Sometimes, a lack of participation in chores or activities might stem from underlying issue. Having an honest discussion about what’s going on beneath the surface can lead to deeper understanding and support. Set clear expectations about who needs to do what. Sometimes, the issue stems from unclear expectations. Sit down together and create a list of all the chores, kids activates and anything else that should be a shared responsibility, then discuss how they need to be done, and how you both would prefer to divide them. Be open to negotiation and try to play to each other’s strengths or preferences. For instance, if one enjoys cooking more, they might take on more cooking duties, while the other could focus on tasks like vacuuming or laundry.
** TIP: Use a notebook/ binder that has space for multiple sections. I personally have our chore list in my “Get your shit together” binder, along with all our important papers and kid’s medical stuff. It’s great having everything in one easy to find location.
2. Create a Schedule: Once you’ve agreed on a division of labor, make a schedule. This could be a weekly or daily chore list or a more flexible system that assigns specific tasks to each person. You could assign specific tasks to each other based on preferences and skills, or alternate chores weekly to share the load fairly. Keep in mind that consistency in sharing household responsibilities is crucial. Visual reminders, like a shared calendar or an app designed for organizing household tasks, can be helpful. This routine should also include taking care of children if you have any, from helping with homework to managing their daily routines, ensuring that both parents are actively involved. The key is to establish a routine that makes it clear when and what tasks are expected to be done, reducing confusion and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Also, try to recognize that everyone has different levels of energy and motivation. Find what works for you and your partner. My husband likes to put in ear buds and listen to sports/ games/ races while he does his assigned duties. I’m perfectly fine with that, as long as the work is getting done.
**Tip: Get the children involved. Search the internet for free printable chore tables or buy one from Etsy. In my experience, children do better when they are offered visuals. Decide with your partner what chore and goals each child should have then work together as a team to reinforce them. Keep their chore charts in your GYST binder. Every time you clean, pull out the binder and double check your chores are done and that you didn’t miss anything. Kids will learn to do the same with their chore charts.
3. Show Appreciation: Recognizing each other’s efforts goes a long way in maintaining a positive atmosphere. Simple acts of gratitude, whether verbal appreciation, a thank you note, or a kind gesture, can motivate continued participation and effort. Feeling valued for the work one does can transform their attitude toward household chores. Acknowledging the work your wife does around the house, and expressing gratitude for the support you provide each other, reinforces the value of teamwork and mutual respect. It’s also important to be adaptable and understanding, recognizing that there might be times when one partner is unable to contribute as much due to work pressures or health issues. At such times, offering extra support and understanding can significantly ease your partner’s burden.
***Tip: Make it a point to praise your partner and children. Make note when they do something helpful and be sure to point it out. For me personally, this was a hard step. In my mind, I did all the work, so why give him praise simply because he took the trash out without me asking. But I was wrong. I wasn’t valuing him and recognizing his efforts. My lack of acknowledgement was a driving force, pushing against the goal of the house; to make everyone feel valued for the work they did.
4. Be Flexible and Patient: Changing habits and routines takes time, so it’s important to be patient and flexible with each other as you navigate this adjustment. There may be setbacks or times when one person has to pick up more slack than the other due to circumstances like work deadlines or illness. Remember, the goal is to support each other and work as a team.
By implementing these tips, you can foster a sense of teamwork and shared responsibility within your home, making household chores a shared endeavor rather than a source of contention. Plus, this is a great way to demonstrate commitment to a balanced partnership, making the management of household tasks less of a chore and more of a shared responsibility that strengthens the marital bond.
A little something extra to help get the process started:
1) What are some chores or duties that you like to do?
2) What are some chores/duties that you know your partner hates to do?
3) What are some things that the kids could do? Are the children old enough to take on some of the chores that you and your wife hate?
4) How are you and your partner going to divide the chores?
5) Are the same chores going to be assigned to the same person all the time or will they change? If, they will change, how often will they be changed?
6) What will be the next step if your partner feels like you are not stepping up and doing your part?
